I said yesterday that in the 5 years or so since I last wrote a piece for the blog I've experienced all of the major life events but really, there is only one event.
Not so much an event...more a person...Richard Lawrence Hill.
When I was leaving my job at C-Change and was wondering what on earth I was going to do my lovely friend Rhona Ferrier encouraged me to write. And to write about Rick.
I'd shied away from it because I couldn't imagine how I could write about him without it being maudlin and self-indulgent. I didn't want a pity party and anyway, I had no idea about what to say...my husband died and...? I wasn't sure about the 'and'...and what?
My husband died and I was sad.
My husband died and I had to move house and...I was sad.
My husband died and I had to move house and then decided to move to another country and...I was sad.
My husband died 5 years ago and you know what?
I am still sad.
(The little Google icon has appeared in the corner and is telling me that my text may sound sad and gloomy to the reader. That's not at all how I want this to sound because life with Richard was never that. And honestly, you don't have to worry.)
While living without Richard is undeniably sad my life with him was as far from sad as you can imagine. It was frustrating, challenging, infuriating, complicated, intense, scrutinised, commented on, exhausting, joyous, safe, funny, kind, loving...there was passion, gentleness, kindness...
It was real life. It was a good life.
And Richard died. Because that's how life is...
You only hope that people get the opportunity to live that good life and I saw Richard do that. I saw him wring every last drop out of living. And I saw him live it BIG. He lived every one of his almost 55 years to the full...he lived it big and brave.
It was a marvellous force to be around...magnetic and vibrant...
Never appreciated as it should have been but...that's life.
And Richard died. Because that's how life is.
When I started writing this I thought I was going to write some happy little story of how we met. And then I thought I could tell you something about how we lived and then maybe I would write later on about when he died.
But it seems that this might be the thing that's been waiting to be said for 5 years.
My husband died 5 years ago and I am sad. But I'm so happy that he loved me.
